kiss and pay up

"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" - Edward Cullen, Twilight

As I was sipping my coffee Friday morning at work, I was perusing the entertainment headlines on Google News (after checking to see if my beloved Brewers beat the Cubs last night-they didn't) when something caught my eye: two women paid $20,000 each for a kiss on the cheek from Twilight actor Rob Pattinson.

Granted, I'm all for fake sparkly vampires and money going to charity, but $20,000 for a kiss that doesn't even involve tongue? Plus, you know those women's already slim chances of dating Rob disappeared once he knew them as the crazies who shelled out 20 grand for the kind of kiss you'd give your grandma.

But, after the initial shock passed, I wondered why I was surprised at all. Celebrity crushes in general are ridiculous. There was a time in my teens that I would have paid that much money (if I had it, which I didn't and don't if I want to eat and pay rent) for a kiss from none other than *N Syncer Lance Bass. That's right. The "gay one." Who actually did turn out to be gay. I was in loooooooooove with Lance (or so I thought). Posters on my wall, pictures in my locker, names with hearts drawn around it on every square inch of paper in every color of gel pen, and a cardboard cutout of him that now resides in a closet in our basement (no pun intended). Looking back, this probably was a very blatant portent of my future. Ever since, I generally dated metrosexual (umm, closeted) guys. And I definitely have a poster of Anderson Cooper on my wall (what? I'm a journalism major! it's legit). My last serious boyfriend (ok, at 21, my only serious boyfriend) had the same trademark blonde hair, deep voice, and desire to be around boys who like boys that Lance has. Yeah, I'm not sure why I wonder why it didn't work out...

Back to the subject at hand: why do we like celebrities? Sure, they're attractive, but no hotter than the guy at the gym I always stare at while I pedal my heart out on the stationary bike (I could watch him run for hours, which is prob why my calves look especially great ever since I joined). They're wealthy, but there are plenty of rich guys whose photos we wouldn't wallpaper our room with (unless Bill Gates or Larry Page is really your type...). We don't really know their personalities besides what the tabloids and bloggers tell us to think, so that reason is out - or is it?

It's so true! We love and hate our celebrities based on their supposed "personalities." My coworker even chastised me for playing Chris Brown music after the Rihanna-beating debacle went down. Think about it: they need us. Not in a way that Matt Damon is going to call me if he's having a bad day and just needs to vent about how Ben Affleck can just be so self centered sometimes, but in a way that we, collectively, make or break them. If we don't pay attention to them, good or bad, the paparazzi and entertainment execs can't make money off of them. Why are there so few pictures of Megan Fox pre-plastic surgery circulating (c'mon, don't tell me you thought she was all real)? Because no one cared about her back then! In her case, hotness trumps personality, therefore it's easier to assume she's a good person. The Jonas Brothers, purity rings and all, just must be good people because they are products of the Disney channel. Speaking of Disney alum, you have to admit there are still a lot (MILLIONS) of people willing to pay good money to see Britney Spears despite her ups and downs. People are praying for her, and she's stayed pretty blameless when it has come to her personal problems (bad influences caused her to get involved in boozing, drugs, and toxic relationships...it couldn'tve been her own free will that caused her to marry Kevin Federline).

As a society, we have created and destroyed these people. The public is fickle, we can fall in and out of love with celebrities at a rate more alarming than Oprah's yo yo dieting. Our money, our ideas of what's attractive or humorous or morally acceptable have shaped exactly how celebrities act (or how their PR agents tell them to act). Jon and Kate and their litter of puppies (I'm sorry, but having 6 children at once is not only irresponsible, it's also kinda gross) go from being regaled and reviled almost hourly! It's commonly acceptable for an athlete/rapper/washed up TV star to say something offensive and/or stupid (or get arrested if you're a Cincinnati Bengal). We are initially indignant, but forgive and forget their trangressions once the case/hype is over. Only when a celeb does something we consider "out of character" are we surprised, and we are often quick to sympathize with them and forget their malfeasance if they are one of the "good guys." The bad boys and girls have it easy, because, if Lindsay Lohan or Colin Farrell gets a(nother) DUI, the public considers it just another day. The personalities we give them are static, however, and it's not surprising that so many celebs have trouble maintaining stable relationships with the identity crises they must face weekly.

That said, I don't feel too bad for them. Yes, we giveth and taketh away reputations. But, back to the ubiquitous Rob Pattinson. He didn't even have to work for his stellar reputation as an insanely handsome, good hearted, sigh-inducing gift to women everywhere. Don't lie, you wouldn'tve noticed that skinny kid who needs to wash his hair before he was a vamp. By accepting the role in Twilight, he immediately won hearts worldwide despite the fact that he is, in fact, NOT Edward Cullen. Not only do vampires not exist, but, even if they did, Edward Cullen is a fictional one (unless Stephenie Meyer is holding out on us). If Rob were to kill a puppy in broad daylight in public, I think Twilighters would find an excuse to justify it as a humane act, as disturbing as that is. And although we give them their public personalities (and because of that, provide their livelihood), it is important to keep in mind: What Rob is actually like in his private life, secret puppy killer or not, will only be known to those close to him.

Which, those two women who paid 20 grand, will never have the apparent honor of being, grandma kiss or not. But, I guess, they will have a great story to tell their kids about how they wasted money that could've gone toward college tuition...or been spent on something very sparkly that is acutally real.